Farewell Class of ’15, thanks for the lols

As a species we are constantly evolving, innovating and progressing. Advances in technology and science are testament to that. Every year common items like the humble telephone are becoming ridiculously advanced devices. However as individuals a large number of us seem to be are going backwards at an alarming rate. Every year that passes things seem to be dumbing down just a tiny bit more. But with parenting like this and these is anyone surprised? At least we do get the occasional win, but nowhere near enough. I will never understand people!

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People weren’t the only ones failing left, right and centre. A number of businesses struggled big time on social media BIG TIME as Mumbrella have documented. I can’t decide which one was the best/worst as there were too many! I’ll be collating a bunch soon for a rant so watch this space. Let me know in the comments if you’ve come across any crackers. In the meantime cringe at this pitiful attempt at #banter

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While we’re currently in a pretty awesome run for TV serials, they take time and effort to produce which unfortunately means we only have get  our favourites for 10-12 weeks at a time. Because people don’t want to find other things to do for like 80% of the year they decide to just cop whatever they’re given. Producers are aware of this which is why they’re more than happy to keep churning out cheap, forgettable filler. Mainly “reality” TV, a genre which constantly finds new levels of banality. Now music shows I get and enjoy. There is always going to be a fresh batch of up n comers and it’s an awesome opportunity for the singers as there aren’t many of the traditional ways to get your foot in the door left. And they are talented. Talented people deserve success and whatever they crave. But as for the rest of reality TV land? Cheap, generic, disposable junk. Most are obviously lame and can be easily ignored. But some of them are picked up by all and sundry and somehow become ratings powerhouses, launching spin offs, copy cats the careers of annoying, talentless gronks. I will NEVER understand the cooking shows. How the fuck are they so popular that every channel has several???There are so many that I’m trying to google stuff I’ve seen on ads and whatnot to post on here but I can’t even remember which one I should be looking for. There are more on the way as well! I will potentially consider tuning in if I hear reports of a live coward punch stern telling off on national TV though.

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You sit there watching a bunch of pretentious fucks sit around sneering at eachother while they cook and eat for themselves and their smug host. Not you, you don’t get to eat the food. Now go warm up those leftovers, you grub. People claim they watch it for the cooking ideas. Bullshit. You MIGHT go buy all the ingredients once, feeling all inspired. But when you end up making either something that resembles vomit or just a burnt piece of crap it’s always straight back to spag bol. At least we had this guy bringing the lols. So much better than these guys. Have you ever seen so much smugness in the one picture? And that’s just the  guy in the middle

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“Mate, people just aren’t interested in *insert item you’re selling* these days, what am I gonna do with this? You’re killing me here! Alright, look. You seem like a nice person so I’ll do you a favour here….”

And those ones about pawn shops or guys that go around buying peoples repossessed shit. Look at those guys, you just know that they’re planning to stitch you. The pawn shop industry has forever existed thanks barely disguised fencing as well as taking advantage of vulnerable members of the community. Drug addicts or those who are so poor that in order to pay their rent they need to sell their most prized possessions, meagre as they may be, for a price that is far below their true value. And if they do just take out a loan the interest rates and terms are no better than what would be offered by an illegal loan shark. Same deal for all the so-called pickers and whatnot. Who essentially are professional scavengers. What’s entertaining about a couple of vultures earching through some poor persons ex-possessions? It’s a pretty fucking shitty way to make a living really, and now people are making these parasites famous?  Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always have love for absolute trash like Ex On The Beach and Cheaters along with classics like Judge Judy and Divorce Court. But other that TV land needs to bring back Ladette to Lady and let me host it or they need some new ideas. Be more like Japan, seriously. Or Hot Dogs

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Seeing as though we’re celebrating the Class of ’15, here are some of the worst from last year. Admittedly I didn’t put myself through actually watching any of these in full. But based on the premise and general feedback I’m going to judge them anyway. What of it?

Born In the Wild.  You’ve read the name. You’re thinking suuuurely not! But yes. From Entertainment Weekly –

“Born in the Wild” documents couples who want to have a more “natural” birthing experience by delivering a baby in the great outdoors—unassisted by modern medicine.

kat

Yep. I don’t know where to start. I suppose I can get why certain people would want to go on. Because certain people are batshit fucking crazy and get their medical advice fromt old acidheads from Nimbin who live in huts rather than legitimate medical professionals. Some people spend most of their free time trying to bring back century old diseases or arguing on the internet with sane people about why they shouldn’t. I’m sure this would all be right up their alley! But I don’t get why anyone would want to watch what I can’t imagine would be a very pleasurable viewing experience. I mean, I’ll watch the birth of my own child one day. By watch I mean I will be in the room, on the floor having fainted. But do I want to watch anyone else do it, let alone the mentally ill? No thanks.

On the topic of babies, Sex Box. Again, what? EW –

Sex Box is about as nuanced as you might think it is. A couple goes into a private box on air, has sex, and then comes out of the box to talk to a panel of sex therapists about their relationship.

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Now I don’t know about anyone else, but after I uh, make love there is a very, very short list of things I’m prepared to do in the immediate future afterwards. “Passing out” would be near the top. “Getting dressed and going out to have a chat to a bunch of strangers who want to give you their feedback based on watching you fuck in a box and then pick apart your relationship all whilst being filmed for a TV show” is pretty fucking close to the bottom. I’m going to file this under potentially so terrible it’s fantastic, but I’m not sure I’ll ever reach a time where there is nothing left I would prefer to do than watch this show.

Representing ‘Straya these next ones are filed under fuck you because we really needed two new near identical cooking shows, a local version of blokes that work in a pawn shop to compliment the 10 different US ones, oh and yet another spin off of The Block, this time featuring couples previously featured on The Block doing totally different exactly the same shit they did on The Block but airing on a DIFFERENT DAY OF THE WEEK TO OMFG ALL THE OTHER VERSIONS OF THE BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh and same goes for that show featuring the excruciating Tom Ballard talking about reality shows. Fuck you.  While I’m on this tangent, Josh Thomas and his show “Please Like Me” (the answer is still no, and fuck you) can go right in there as well. Yes, I know it’s not a reality show, I don’t care. Yes, I know it didn’t start last year. Doesn’t matter, the fact that it continued to be on the air, and gave the most insufferable person on TV more airtime means it deserves it’s spot in the box just as much as the others.

Seriously, how can anyone not want to coward punch politely shoosh this guy???

With a few awesome exceptions I won’t demean by dragging them into this mire,  it was another poor year for music. To be honest I can’t really rant on too much about this because every time I heard an unpleasant and unfamiliar track I resisted the urge to whip out shazam so I could experience it again later. So I actually have no idea who the main airwave polluters actually are and I’m not going to subject myself to trying to find out. So I’m just leave this topic and put on the greatest mix of all time instead. Besides, I feel this following  epitomises the sad state of affairs that was pop in 2015.

From planking all those years ago to neknominates and ice bucket challenges and just failing in general, the class of 2105 needed to step up their game. And they did not disappoint! Well, unless you were a parent of one of these young trailblazers. Then it definitely disappointed. But if you weren’t then the lols were on tap. There were far too many to list but some of my personal favourites were –

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The #kyliejennerchallenge where young Mensa students around the world would stick shot glasses on their lips and attempt to suck so hard their blood vessels would burst and hopefully they would end up with lips identical to their idol. Their idol who had recently had her own professionally and surgically modified (quite obviously I must say), a fact that didn’t seem important at the time. Many who tried this ridiculous beauty tip will now spend the rest of their lives with disfigurements and a permanent reminder that they were amongst 2015s dumbest people alive.

As a sidenote, #breaktheinternet was stupid as well. Fact checking tells me it was actually very late 2014, but whatever. How the hell did a nude shot of Kim Kardashian even register on peoples radars, let along “break the internet??? Did everyone forget why she is famous??? That she made a fucking porno where she is much more naked and is getting railed by some failed rapper??? What is all the fuss about? I can’t believe you clicked that link either, you grub. Fortunately some good did come of this nonsense, thanks to this modern day hero who as you can see in that link has saved the internet once before. Crack open a tinnie mate, we salute you.

breaktheinternet

#extremephonepinching was another one of my favourites. For some mysterious reason our next generation of doctors, scientists and inventors decided that it would be “onfleek” (am I using that right? I hope not) to pinch their brand new phone purchased by their parents between their thumb and index finger, hold it over a risky spot where if they dropped it it would be lost or destroyed for good. Because entitlement. They started fairly timid, holding them between the bars covering inaccessible gutters, toliets, low balconies, pools, and outside moving cars. But shit quickly escalated as participants constantly tried to one up each other in order to earn themselves more of the only form of currency they understand and respect – Instagram likes.

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This video can explain the craze far better than my words ever will. No kids received major injuries from this craze as far as I know, but they will have to live the rest of their life knowing that on a bittersweet day in 2015 they dropped a brand new, $1000 phone off the top of a roller coaster ride, achieved a new personal record for Instagram likes. But they also came to the realisation that from that moment onwards their parents would always love them less than they did before. I would imagine hearing your father say “this is why you should have let me in the backdoor” to your mother would be fairly psychologically traumatic for a long time as well.

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Thank fuck for New Zealand, for bringing us the #frozenchook. According to mashable –

the newest photo craze involves getting naked, lying on the ground, and posing like a frozen chicken

That is all.

Check out the article and just google it because it’s bizarre, amazing and strangely beautiful. #frozenchook is ART.

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Lastly, but by no means least we had the #paracetamolchallenge which in my opinion is the most confusing of the lot. Future world leaders and chiefs of industry attempted to eat as many paracetamol tablets as they could before umm passing out and dying I guess??? Not really sure what other real outcome there is because you won’t get high or trip balls or anything.  I mean, paracetamol? What’s wrong with coke, heroin, meth, acid, mdma, etc etc? At least they actually DO something. These kids need to get out more, here would be a good start

PLOT TWIST!

Good news, it was actually all just a hoax! Faith in humanity restored. Well not at all really. The fact that media,  government departments, police, health professionals, teachers and parents were all so easily duped by this is extremely concerning for a couple of reasons. The fact that everyone was so quick to believe this was going down without even questioning it goes to show two things. Firstly, the class of 2015 had so much form for doing mind bogglingly stupid shit nobody blinked an eyelid and thought “surely not” when told this was the next in thing. That’s the standard they set for themselves. That they are so dumb, munching pills that don’t even get you fucked up until you dropped dead was considered the logical next fad. It also showed just how gullible people who really should know much better can be when it comes to social media. But that’s a rant for another day.

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But on the topic of the internet grabbing a given topic, running with it and milking it dry, I almost forgot but I do want to give a special mention for the most cringeworthy fad of the year, #finddancingman. A man was pictured apparently dancing and was apparently shamed. Worldwide media ran with this without any fact checking, which was fair enough given the source was renowned bastion of repute, 4chan. A bunch of egotistical, deluded bleeding hearts then launched a global stalking campaign to gain attention for themselves, make themselves feel good about themselves, validate their pointless lives and be seen as better people. Oh and to help the guy who didn’t ask for any or something. I’m not going to rant on this topic as someone has already said pretty much exactly what I think about pathetic narcissist love in. Check out this absolute corker of a rant from Maddox, a guy who runs this website which often does live up to its name – thebestpageintheuniverse

dancing man

So far we’re yet to see the first big trend for the early 2016 Darwin Award contenders. I’m sure there is something just around the corner. We do have an early contender though, with people making glasses out of ancient, like, round shiny things, known by anyone over the age of 15 as CDs.

CD glasses

I’m predicting at least one major bout of faux outrage every day along with at least 4 teen fads that require ongoing Today Tonight investigations and the recently named “Worst Person on Twitter” will moan about approximately 1200 different topics, almost 1000 times the amount of people that care about his existence. So I dare say I’ll have a fair bit to rant about. We’ve already had the Gayle in a teacup, Uber controversy due to people who do not understand how to use Uber failing predictably (rant coming soon), the great Hungry Jacks swindle of 2015 (yeah, yeah hold up) and a few others that if you haven’t heard about you will soon.

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Hopefully the space shuttle to Mars happens soon. Surely Uber Interplanetary won’t be far behind. Until then we have no choice but to stay and ridicule the morons of the world so I’ll patiently trot around on my not even remotely high horse for the time being. Bur as soon as Mars is good to go, I’m calling myself in!

I’ll happily accept whatever the surge price is.

2 thoughts on “Farewell Class of ’15, thanks for the lols

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